...except for me and my monkey! "Everything we see hides another thing. We always want to see what is hidden by what we see." -Rene Magritte

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Inner peace? I could use some of that right now

My senior year of high school, I was involved in this group, the Inner Peace Club, that my friend (well, she was more a friendly acquaintance) Mieka started. Mieka's mom is a New Age-y...I'm not sure, what, exactly, but she'd come and do visualizations and guided meditations with us. (Remember, this was Eugene.) Some of it was kind of hokey, of the stare-deep-into-your-partner's-eyes variety, but a few of the practices were really helpful and I've kept using them. Once, for instance, we were to sit across from someone and go back and forth, isolating the problems that kept us from contentment, no matter how small: "I would be completely at peace if it weren't for..." When I'm upset or anxious about something, I do this with myself until I get to what I think is the root of my anxiety at that particular moment.

This afternoon, I've been having a hell of a time concentrating and have a really sick, anxious, unsettled feeling in my stomach. And I'm pretty sure I've isolated the cause of my anxiety, but I don't know what to do about it. Or I know what I need to do about it but I'm too stubborn to do it. Or I'm afraid I'll hear something I don't want to hear.

I apologize for being vague. I want to talk with my counselor. The last time I saw her was the 4th of November; someone snagged my usual appointment time on the 11th and then I had to cancel on the 18th, since I would be in Eugene. We won't be able to meet again until next Tuesday. So boo for that.

I do want to talk about seeing Gustavo Gutiérrez, but I can't do it while I'm in this mood.

I'm okay. Just feeling kind of anxious and dumb and time-wasteful.