...except for me and my monkey! "Everything we see hides another thing. We always want to see what is hidden by what we see." -Rene Magritte

Friday, April 22, 2005

As the empty feeling turns from black to blue, I can't believe this never happens to you...

Fridays are always the worst days for me. Fridays are days of loneliness, self-doubt, insecurity.

At the beginning of the semester, I loved Fridays because I only had the one class in the morning, and by 10:10 I was free. Woo! Weekend! Except since everyone else was still in class until the afternoon, I was on my own all day. I think I need and enjoy solitude more than most of my friends, but for some reason the Friday kind of solitude--not really a solitude, but a profound aloneness--made me desperately unhappy. Most Fridays I would end up taking a nap in my room after lunch. Invariably I would be woken up around three, when everyone returned to the dorm from Inventing America or another 1:50-2:50 class, all excited for the weekend, laughing and making plans and shrieking.

So I started going off campus on Fridays, and would relax in peaceful contentedness until I returned to campus. To dinner by myself, and believe me, there is nothing more depressing than dinner alone on a Friday in the Bon. After dinner I would wander listlessly, feeling stupid and ridiculous for not having plans, for spending yet another weekend night alone.

That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. I've been walking around with a lump in my throat ever since getting back to campus this afternoon. I went to dinner alone and read Etty and couldn't stop from crying in the Bon.

I don't know. I'm not feeling great. It's a Friday, what can I say?