...except for me and my monkey! "Everything we see hides another thing. We always want to see what is hidden by what we see." -Rene Magritte

Thursday, April 07, 2005

I think I could make a good tragic heroine

For the first six years after I started my period, the first day was always accompanied by horrible, debilitating cramps. No matter what I was doing that day--jogging (that was short-lived), taking an AP Biology test, studying, watching a movie in the theater, babysitting, working at Migrant Headstart--I'd have to stop; my body made it physically impossible for me to live my life. It wasn't a question of being uncomfortable, because I can deal with that, but for about three hours each month my life was absolutely interrupted. I'd break out in cold sweats. I'd get so dizzy when I stood up or made any sudden movements that I was afraid I was going to pass out. I couldn't keep any food or water down. I felt as though someone were twisting my uterus in their hands like a wet rag.

Really, looking back on it, I can't believe I let myself live that way for so long. For the past two and half years, I've been taking medication to even out my hormones, and my nightmare periods have largely vanished. Now, instead of waves of intense pain, I feel nothing more than a dull aching, a melancholy tugging and a vague listlessness. It is during these times, now, when I am most drawn to the melodramatic urge to see myself as a tragic heroine.

Sometimes when I feel this way, I want nothing more than to fall onto a fainting couch, like, "Woe is me!" and compose Romantic verses about the tragic beauty of life and transcendentalism, all Pre-Raphaelite curls and pale, ghostly bodycolor. I want to listen to the most emo of all emo music and weep for six days like Chopin did when he couldn't find the right chord for one of his piano pieces. I want people to come and adore me and feed me peeled grapes and bon-bons and maybe--just maybe--contract a wasting disease and die a beautiful, tragic death. I think I could handle that.

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like this all the time. Just sometimes.

But I do always want a fainting couch.